Somethings are not in the EMS brochure!!

We have a PD substation in our district. Anyone who shares this stroke of luck, know that this little building is responsible for a lot of ems runs. For some reasons when dirtbags are getting arrested they start complaining to the officer that they have some sort of medical complaint. Enter EMS and our most recent story. It seems like these requests for EMS increase severely after midnight, so this one os approx 2 am. We get called for some sort of EMS run to the substation. We enter the little holding office and find the private ambulance medic interviewing the patient. I walk in about the time the patient starts describing a "large zit" on her ass. She goes on to advise how it feels like its going to pop at any moment and whatever is going to run down her leg. Before we could stop her she stands up, bends over and pulls down her pants to show rather large hemorrhoids.
Luckily, she gets her pants up half way up before she passes out- nothing a little Narcan can't handle. After a pursuit at 20mph, her 9 year old told PD "She gave herself a shot and started acting wierd"