If your erection lasts more than 4 hours.....

Where I work we have a heavy rescue squad that is equipped with all the heavy rescue tools you can think of. Second in line for heavy rescue is our ladder companies. A couple of these units together are capable of some extreme rescues. They were called to the Level 1 trauma center the other day for a man who was being flown in from a nearby town. Apparently this individual thought it was a good idea to use a heavy duty commercial grade bearing race as a cockring. Once the desired affect was achieved it was realized that removal was impossible. I am sure this individual waited a good long time before seeking medical attention. This was possibly occuring since the night before. Small town hospital called for an air ambulance after the small town ER ring cutters didn't make a scratch. Our crews were called to the trauma center after additional failed attempts with manual ring cutters. Hydraulic cutters were not an option, (ouch) so last the FD heard the pt was being prepped for a manual drainage (syringes) procedure that will likely result in scar tissue and varying degrees of dysfunction. Poor bastard.

How do you know when you have had too much to drink?

So we met one of our local "urban outdoors men" the other night at a very convenient 2am. Our outdoors man was found to be under the influence of alcohol. I was surprised as well. Being the consummate professionals that we are, we initiate a thorough assessment. And as we are performing a mostly rhetorical interview with our pt, we notice there is a quarter in his right ear. So I ask our patient if he knows that there is a quarter in his ear. I assumed this was an appropriate question for this gentleman. He opens his eyes and looks at me like I have second head. He slurs at me the quarter is to indicate when he has had too much to drink. Obviously being new to this procedure I ask for more information and he was nice enough to enlighten us. The quarter in the ear remains until the wearer's gait becomes so unsteady or rapid contact with Terra firma, the quarter falls out indicating terminal intoxication. Now this is where the details are a little fuzzy. I was unable to learn if the indication is the sudden absence of the coin or the sound of the quarter hitting the ground. Or if the wearer has reached this level of intoxication, how are they supposed to hear or notice the quarter? And if you only have a quarter in one ear, what happens when you fall on the other side? Apparently this procedure was in the experimental phase and our researcher did not have the quantitative results at time of print.

Halloween 2009

So at about 230 in the morning last night during the full moon, we get dispatched to a motor vehicle accident. As we approach we find 2 trucks with severe damage from an apparent high speed head on collision. We arrive and make our way over to the truck with the most damage and find a female driver with a broken femur unconscious behind the wheel. The engine crew is talking to a beligerent guy from the other vehicle. We extricate the female patient from her truck. She goes with the first ambulance to the truama center. As the engine backboards the male driver, he goes unconscious. So he obviously also goes to the local trauma center. As we pick up the scene we notice a few odd items in the street. The first arriving private ambulance has left all their backboard, airway and oxygen equipment on scene. The police officers are talking about both drivers are likely drunk drivers. (Which is unique that they hit eachother instead an innocent family)And the last item strangely noticable in the middle of the scene? A squished dead black cat that was involved in the collision. Halloween, full moon and a black cat? You just can't make this up.

Ah thats better!

So after a dry spell the ghetto once again delivers a story worthy of the blog. Sometime in the middle of the night (maybe 2 am) last night we get a call for a woman complaining of abdominal pain. We arrive at an apartment building and before my partner can park the truck, there is a woman walking up to the truck. She also has her 7 yo daughter in tow. The woman is our patient and as I open the door she asks if she can go to the hospital. I ask why and she just repeats herself. When pressed futher, she advises us she doesn't want to talk about it. Strange.Ok, I am thinking what am I supposed to tell the ambulance and what are they supposed to tell the ER???She notices the transport ambulance arriving, she hops out of the rescue, asks if her daughter can remain with us for minute. I cautiously agree and watch as she makes tracks into the ambulance and closes the door. Stranger by the min. The ambulance medic returns and says the daughter can join her mom in the ambulance. Once the kid is gone he tells us the story: Apparently mom was enjoying some "self satisfaction" time with a sharp object(?) and cut herself (suprise). The injury apparently resulted in some moderate bleeding. That should be an intersting conversation when the daughter (hopefully later in life) asks about the time they had to go to the ER in the middle of the night.

uneventful in the ghetto

The Ghetto has not been providing many humorous stories lately, so here's a regular ems story:
Last week as I arrived to work and before my first cup of coffee, we got sent to a active labor call. NOT a favorite of mine. I am hip to the miracle of birth aspect but its still messy and gross. When we arrived, mom had already given birth to a very small baby boy right on the carpet. Nobody in the house spoke English and worse nobody was doing anything for mom or baby. Estimated gestation 30 weeks. He was less than 2 lbs, very blue and we gave him an APGAR of 2. Someone had tried to clamp the cord with a piece of plastic shopping bag for some reason. Some quick BLS and rapid transport to a NICU facility appears to have had a good outcome for baby boy. We arrived with a pink oxygenated little guy who appeared to have no ill effects APGAR 7. Its been a week now and last I heard he is still doing well. coincidentally the ambulance medic was working one last shift before she went on maternity leave. So she was very glad to see our little guy did so well.

If you're crazy and you know it clap your hands...

So in the ems system I work in, there seems to be an unusual amount of psych / suicide threat calls. Those unfortunate enough to have to put up with the clawsen system, you know this code as a 25B. These calls are usually a patient who for a number of reasons has made some sort of suicide threat and requires a supervised ride to mental health. Well another sign the call is going to be less than emergent is when dispatch advises "PD is already on scene and scene is secure." Our brothers in blue have a habit of offering evaluations to everyone they meet and therefore, generate a fair amount of non emergent calls for us. So, the other day we receive this call for a 25B. We drive over code one (no lights/siren)and as we park here comes a police officer. This is one of our newer rookie cops and he appears to be a little pale. He is talking fast to my partner on the other side of the rescue. As I come around the corner of the truck, my partner tells me to bring the trauma bag. I am sure I gave a strange look but grab the bag. As we walk up to the apartment the pale faced cop tells me that the patient has cut off her ear lobes. I confirm this with my partner as we enter. We immediately find our patient who is bleeding profusely from (you guessed it) both ears. Inspection reveals that she has cut off both ear lobes and they do not appear to be in the immediate area. My partner doesn't flinch and goes to work applying bandages and dressings to her ears I ask her a few questions. When I ask why she did this, she tells me it is her birthday today. And every answer is followed by a disturbing evil laugh. When I ask what she used she tells me her mom's scissors. Ha ha ha. She tells me that she needs psychiatric cheeseburgers. ha ha ha. The answers get a little more disconnected so pale faced cop and I go looking for the missing ear lobes. As I am searching through several trash bags full of bloody tissues I realize that this is my first expierence searching for body parts. I start recalling several stories told by my coworkers involving all types of searches for all types of appendages. The second and third trash bag we located in opposite closets and contained ear lobes. Since we are in another room, just for fun I turn around and wave them at pale faced cop before I place them in a small container for the ride to the hospital. Cop left. The patient had given herself this very special birthday present several hours before we were called, so I doubt they are re-attachable. My final question was what psychiatric disorder, if any, she was diagnosed with. He response: Rob Zombie. this response was followed by more laughing and talk about cheeseburgers. She goes to the hospital with private ambulance and we clear for another nearby call. As we respond to this other call my partner and I realize that Rob Zombie is playing on the radio. Couldn't make this up if I tried.

Do you remember: Don't pretend to be dying when youre not?

So the address goes out for crappy address apartment #70. On the way over we start kidding if it is the same person. Well lo and behold its the same apartment. We joke about the brand new door,frame, and paint before going in. Our "patient" is face down in a bucket of vomit again talking about how she is so weak that anytime she stands she passes out. So I ask: "who unlocked the door?" She responds that she did, but right after that she meant after that she passed out. Right. My partner and I ask her if she remembers us. She looks up and mummbles something and goes back to her semi consciousness. So just like last time she is attempting to detox without medical supervision. Also just like last time she is able to walk down the hallway and down the stairs in between her semi consciousness act. We also notice the manager (large woman)running around in a panic with her keys in hand. See she was quite upset last time that we did not search the complex for her apartment, notify her and then wait for her to walk to the office to retrieve master keys and let us into apt #70. It seems like everyone learned the valuable lesson: 911 is for emergencies and the FD operates as such. Wierd huh? Back to our patient in the ambulance the semi consciousness act had run its course and during the assessment we were told: " I just don't want to talk anymore, can't you just take me to the hospital?" Another happy customer!