If you're crazy and you know it clap your hands...

So in the ems system I work in, there seems to be an unusual amount of psych / suicide threat calls. Those unfortunate enough to have to put up with the clawsen system, you know this code as a 25B. These calls are usually a patient who for a number of reasons has made some sort of suicide threat and requires a supervised ride to mental health. Well another sign the call is going to be less than emergent is when dispatch advises "PD is already on scene and scene is secure." Our brothers in blue have a habit of offering evaluations to everyone they meet and therefore, generate a fair amount of non emergent calls for us. So, the other day we receive this call for a 25B. We drive over code one (no lights/siren)and as we park here comes a police officer. This is one of our newer rookie cops and he appears to be a little pale. He is talking fast to my partner on the other side of the rescue. As I come around the corner of the truck, my partner tells me to bring the trauma bag. I am sure I gave a strange look but grab the bag. As we walk up to the apartment the pale faced cop tells me that the patient has cut off her ear lobes. I confirm this with my partner as we enter. We immediately find our patient who is bleeding profusely from (you guessed it) both ears. Inspection reveals that she has cut off both ear lobes and they do not appear to be in the immediate area. My partner doesn't flinch and goes to work applying bandages and dressings to her ears I ask her a few questions. When I ask why she did this, she tells me it is her birthday today. And every answer is followed by a disturbing evil laugh. When I ask what she used she tells me her mom's scissors. Ha ha ha. She tells me that she needs psychiatric cheeseburgers. ha ha ha. The answers get a little more disconnected so pale faced cop and I go looking for the missing ear lobes. As I am searching through several trash bags full of bloody tissues I realize that this is my first expierence searching for body parts. I start recalling several stories told by my coworkers involving all types of searches for all types of appendages. The second and third trash bag we located in opposite closets and contained ear lobes. Since we are in another room, just for fun I turn around and wave them at pale faced cop before I place them in a small container for the ride to the hospital. Cop left. The patient had given herself this very special birthday present several hours before we were called, so I doubt they are re-attachable. My final question was what psychiatric disorder, if any, she was diagnosed with. He response: Rob Zombie. this response was followed by more laughing and talk about cheeseburgers. She goes to the hospital with private ambulance and we clear for another nearby call. As we respond to this other call my partner and I realize that Rob Zombie is playing on the radio. Couldn't make this up if I tried.

Do you remember: Don't pretend to be dying when youre not?

So the address goes out for crappy address apartment #70. On the way over we start kidding if it is the same person. Well lo and behold its the same apartment. We joke about the brand new door,frame, and paint before going in. Our "patient" is face down in a bucket of vomit again talking about how she is so weak that anytime she stands she passes out. So I ask: "who unlocked the door?" She responds that she did, but right after that she meant after that she passed out. Right. My partner and I ask her if she remembers us. She looks up and mummbles something and goes back to her semi consciousness. So just like last time she is attempting to detox without medical supervision. Also just like last time she is able to walk down the hallway and down the stairs in between her semi consciousness act. We also notice the manager (large woman)running around in a panic with her keys in hand. See she was quite upset last time that we did not search the complex for her apartment, notify her and then wait for her to walk to the office to retrieve master keys and let us into apt #70. It seems like everyone learned the valuable lesson: 911 is for emergencies and the FD operates as such. Wierd huh? Back to our patient in the ambulance the semi consciousness act had run its course and during the assessment we were told: " I just don't want to talk anymore, can't you just take me to the hospital?" Another happy customer!