911 dispatcher friend posted this one:

Caller: "I need the fire department to come over to my apartment to give me a urinalysis, to clear my name of ID theft and crack pipe possession".
Dispatcher: "uh... excuse me?"
( I'll just say it went downhill from there................)

Surprise!

26A1 - non emergent sick call. This code is used for chief complaints such as: nervousness, hunger, fatigue, cold/flu symptoms etc. And working in the ghetto we get this on a lot. AS you may or may not know, there are some holes in our health care system. Everyone without coverage knows they can be seen at the ER, but they also know they will have to wait. So often these folks are willing to sacrifice the evaluation by a MD for a paramedic that makes house calls after you dial 3 easy numbers.
Back to the story: So last tuesday was no different and we get a call for a 26A1. Last tuesday I also had a paramedic intern from the military riding with us. I only mention the military part because most of us did not go straight to paramedic. Myself, I started as a basic and worked my way up seeing some sick people among other things before I tried paramedicine. Not in the military program. Straight to paramedic. So he has not seen EMS before now.
This code has been deemed a non emergency response. The crew and intern make our way over to the address code one. As we get our gear and approach the open apt door there are some kids running around without adult supervision. Normal. Being the good intern that he is, he is the first to be directed to the back bedroom in this tiny apartment. Before I can get a look, Intern starts to stammer: "uh, I, uh, I think we need the OB kit" Me being the observant supervisor that I am, I ask: " Why?" (good question I thought) He stammers again: " Uh, there is a baby here and he looks new!"
Well I finally gain access to the bedroom and sure enough his deduction skills were accurate. There was mom lying on her back. Her torso was propped up by her elbows and covered by her Mickey D's uniform. And between her legs was her newest son, face down on the matress still attached by the umbilical cord. I found it strange that mom had not picked the baby up during our code one response. Luckily, nature had taken care of this lil guy until we got there, the umbilical cord was still pulsating a little and his color was good. Transport was uneventful, but again mom was reluctant to hold or comfort the baby. Wierd stuff in the ghetto.

Deadly force on a blind guy?

The engine responds to the local nursing facility for a 25B. Someone is having an unknown psychiatric "emergency". The patient is only 40 years old removing him from the usual age range for this facility. But on occasion some poor soul is forced to rehab in the crappiest nursing home in town. Most of you know what I am talking about: The stains on the wall are older than I am. The staff members are drunk, high, incompetent, or a combination of all 3. I would not leave a sworn enemy in this facility. The patient is in fact 40 years old a man in a wheelchair who has a leaking colostomy bag and Hep C. The spilled contents of the colostomy bag is the only thing this man is wearing. He is a parapalegic and is blind. The patient is combative and verbally abusive. The local police force is on scene as with any other 25B call except Officer Barney Fife is not equipped with a taser. Why would he need it anyway, right? Because naked blind handicapped patient has announced if anyone touches him the fight is on! So a good long while is spent attempting to explain the situation and the fact that once he had threatned suicide his decision making resposibilities are revoked. So the engine and Ofc. Fife stall the pending struggle long enough for more PD officers to arrive. 2 more cops, number of tasers? Still 0. Super. We are now confident there are enough people (9) to control a blind guy who can't run. And contact is attempted. Small struggle ensues and the patient reaches over to a small bag that has gone unnoticed until now. He produces (quickly mind you) a large butterfly knife with the blade exposed. And even faster the officer draws his weapon. Great. I am going to be witness to Ofc Fife shooting a blind guy in a wheelchair. (mental images of me on the winess stand are running through my brain and I am sure my mouth is hanging open) The remaining incompetent staff members scream and run down the hall yelling someone's name. The other 2 officers draw their weapons and they all take their tactical shooting positions on the naked blind guy with a butterfly knife. Officers 2 and 3 realize whathey are doing and holster their weapons, but ofc. Fife takes a few more minutes. The whole time the patient is screaming all about he will kill all of us and blindly swinging his knife around. One of the officers grab his wrists and the fight is on until ambulance medic jams 5mg Versed into patients arm. The patient is restrained and prepared for transport to a hospital with psychiatric services. The Versed barely works and the struggle is sustained all the way to the hospital. Poor guy, when all this is over he still has to return to the worst nursing home in town.

3am 4Delta

Does anyone else use the stupid MPDS? If you do, then you know that the 4 means assault and the delta means it is suppossed to be a serious call. In my system, this delta designation means a total of 8 responders are sent to this life threatening emergency.
We arrive on scene and find our "critically wounded" patient walking around on the second level of a apartment building. He reports he has been assaulted and his chest hurts. My partner asks if the patient was hit with an object, closed fists or anything else. Thats when this short thin beared man tells us that the assailant was his girlfriend and she sat on his face and chest causing the injury. It is times like this that it is hard to keep a straight face and refrain from asking if this was a "sex related" injury. Luckily he just wanted to get in the ambulance and go to the hospital.

Somethings are not in the EMS brochure!!

We have a PD substation in our district. Anyone who shares this stroke of luck, know that this little building is responsible for a lot of ems runs. For some reasons when dirtbags are getting arrested they start complaining to the officer that they have some sort of medical complaint. Enter EMS and our most recent story. It seems like these requests for EMS increase severely after midnight, so this one os approx 2 am. We get called for some sort of EMS run to the substation. We enter the little holding office and find the private ambulance medic interviewing the patient. I walk in about the time the patient starts describing a "large zit" on her ass. She goes on to advise how it feels like its going to pop at any moment and whatever is going to run down her leg. Before we could stop her she stands up, bends over and pulls down her pants to show rather large hemorrhoids.
Luckily, she gets her pants up half way up before she passes out- nothing a little Narcan can't handle. After a pursuit at 20mph, her 9 year old told PD "She gave herself a shot and started acting wierd"

Only in the hood

Ok so the other night engine and ladder respond to investigate a fire alarm. happens all the time, right? upon arriving to the large commercial building they realize that the building is full of smoke and ask dispatch for a first alarm assignment. Once forcible entry (breaking in) is complete the crews find that the fire is a short circuited hover-round and the sprinkler system performed as designed. The fire was held in check by one sprinkler head and there was only some water damage to surrounding merchandise. The appropriate notifications were made including the owner of the business. The owner was being briefed by the battalion chief when a passer-by stopped and yelled "who owns the truck and trailer parked in the street?" The owner replied it was his and the passer by then advised that 3 guys just stole your dolly and about 1/2 your tools off your trailer! goes to show that criminals dont care how many people are around and what your personal situation is, just as long as they can aquire something of value to trade for dope!

2nd anatomy guru

We arrive to the crappy 4 plex in the crappy part of town. I am tired since it is almost 2am and this is the third call since I tried to go to sleep. We find our frequent user of EMS sitting in a living room chair. The original complaint was shortness of breath. I say hello and ask our 21 year old patient what can we do for you? She answers with a verbal dissertation covering her life events of the last 24 hours. In the middle of this she mentions that she has been short of breath since her doctors appointment at 1pm. Fantastic. Did you ask your doctor about this? I ask and she answers "No, but my oxygen level was low today" Me: "How do you know?" Her: "My face gets warm when my oxygen level drops; and that is what happened tonight" Me: "You don't seem to be having a difficult time breathing or speaking and your oxygen levels are 97%." Her: " I know, I told my brother to get me some water. I drink water when I am short of breath because I know there is oxygen in it"
Please sign here.

If you know your anatomy, clap your hands

40 something woman calls 911 and advises the dispatcher she is in active labor and delivery is imminent. A total of 9 responders in 4 vehicles respond code 3. Upon arrival I make entry into the small house. I find our patient writhing around the room in "discomfort". Attempting to guage the urgency of this call I ask the usual questions about previous children, contractions, mucous plugs and amniotic sac. She responds she has 3 children, she has no idea about the timing or length of her contractions. I have to repeat the amniotic sac questions several times. Still not getting an answer, I begin using the term "bag of water". She asks "whats that?" I (as a male) start to explain to this mother of 3 what a amniotic sac is and what happens during labor. I ask again to get a "yes, well, I think so. I mean, something has come out but I am not sure" I realize she is not having any contractions during this time; and she is no longer writhing around on the floor yelling about her discomfort. So all the extra people and vehicles are canceled as our patient walks out to the waiting ambulance. She finally has a witnessed contraction lasting 30 sec. Am I the only one that thinks this was a wierd conversation to have with a mother of 3???????

fighting with your lover?

It was about midnight and the temperature was below freezing. The engine was busy, so the ladder and rescue get tapped for a motorcycle accident on the interstate. The posted speed limit is 65mph on this highway. On the way we were discussing who would be out riding in this weather and that something wasn't right with the dispatch. As we approach we find a young female patient lying on the side of the freeway. She is dressed for party time (light half shirt and stretch pants), not motorcycle riding. Upon arrival our brothers in blue confirm no motorcycle accident, the patient "fell" out of a car. Quick look for injuries reveals nothing obvious with the exception of road rash from her chin to her knees. So we are packaging our patient for transport, and we get the story: she had been drinking(duh) and fighting with her boyfriend when she jumped out of the car to show him. I asked what she was showing him but she did not answer. So I start asking rapid fire pertinent questions to assess her level of consciousness i.e. address, phone number, where she was, birthday,etc. I then ask her what's her boyfriend's name. She says she doesn't want to answer. I ask why and she replies she doesn't want him to get into trouble. To which I reply: Why? It's not his fault you jumped out of his car.