If you're crazy and you know it clap your hands...

So in the ems system I work in, there seems to be an unusual amount of psych / suicide threat calls. Those unfortunate enough to have to put up with the clawsen system, you know this code as a 25B. These calls are usually a patient who for a number of reasons has made some sort of suicide threat and requires a supervised ride to mental health. Well another sign the call is going to be less than emergent is when dispatch advises "PD is already on scene and scene is secure." Our brothers in blue have a habit of offering evaluations to everyone they meet and therefore, generate a fair amount of non emergent calls for us. So, the other day we receive this call for a 25B. We drive over code one (no lights/siren)and as we park here comes a police officer. This is one of our newer rookie cops and he appears to be a little pale. He is talking fast to my partner on the other side of the rescue. As I come around the corner of the truck, my partner tells me to bring the trauma bag. I am sure I gave a strange look but grab the bag. As we walk up to the apartment the pale faced cop tells me that the patient has cut off her ear lobes. I confirm this with my partner as we enter. We immediately find our patient who is bleeding profusely from (you guessed it) both ears. Inspection reveals that she has cut off both ear lobes and they do not appear to be in the immediate area. My partner doesn't flinch and goes to work applying bandages and dressings to her ears I ask her a few questions. When I ask why she did this, she tells me it is her birthday today. And every answer is followed by a disturbing evil laugh. When I ask what she used she tells me her mom's scissors. Ha ha ha. She tells me that she needs psychiatric cheeseburgers. ha ha ha. The answers get a little more disconnected so pale faced cop and I go looking for the missing ear lobes. As I am searching through several trash bags full of bloody tissues I realize that this is my first expierence searching for body parts. I start recalling several stories told by my coworkers involving all types of searches for all types of appendages. The second and third trash bag we located in opposite closets and contained ear lobes. Since we are in another room, just for fun I turn around and wave them at pale faced cop before I place them in a small container for the ride to the hospital. Cop left. The patient had given herself this very special birthday present several hours before we were called, so I doubt they are re-attachable. My final question was what psychiatric disorder, if any, she was diagnosed with. He response: Rob Zombie. this response was followed by more laughing and talk about cheeseburgers. She goes to the hospital with private ambulance and we clear for another nearby call. As we respond to this other call my partner and I realize that Rob Zombie is playing on the radio. Couldn't make this up if I tried.

Do you remember: Don't pretend to be dying when youre not?

So the address goes out for crappy address apartment #70. On the way over we start kidding if it is the same person. Well lo and behold its the same apartment. We joke about the brand new door,frame, and paint before going in. Our "patient" is face down in a bucket of vomit again talking about how she is so weak that anytime she stands she passes out. So I ask: "who unlocked the door?" She responds that she did, but right after that she meant after that she passed out. Right. My partner and I ask her if she remembers us. She looks up and mummbles something and goes back to her semi consciousness. So just like last time she is attempting to detox without medical supervision. Also just like last time she is able to walk down the hallway and down the stairs in between her semi consciousness act. We also notice the manager (large woman)running around in a panic with her keys in hand. See she was quite upset last time that we did not search the complex for her apartment, notify her and then wait for her to walk to the office to retrieve master keys and let us into apt #70. It seems like everyone learned the valuable lesson: 911 is for emergencies and the FD operates as such. Wierd huh? Back to our patient in the ambulance the semi consciousness act had run its course and during the assessment we were told: " I just don't want to talk anymore, can't you just take me to the hospital?" Another happy customer!

PD gag

Sometimes to break the monotony, we mess with the cops a little. Not too long ago the rescue and ladder truck were dispatched to a heroin overdose, with of course PD. On this paticular call the officers assigned were both female.
The call was in fact another heroin overdose. The needle was still in our friends arm and he was unconscious. For those not in the know, heroin (opiate) depresses your body's desire to breathe. Our friend on the floor was breathing about 2-3 times a minute. The magic cure that our friend needed is a drug called Narcan. It blocks the opiate receptors negating the opiate's effect and restoring the drug addict's desire to breathe. Well one downside to ruining our friends high, if administered too fast, the narcan can cause projectile voliting.
So in this paticular apartment the 2 officers were standing in the living room and our friend was lying directly in the path to outside. The rest of the room was occupied by furniture and of course the big screen tv. Since all our equipment was opened and our friend was being attended to by several firefighters the police officers were blocked in this tiny living room.
As we are caring for our friend who is still unconscious after the first round of narcan, the medics begin a discussion concerning a possible repeat dose of narcan and the desire to avoid any projectile vomiting. As we are having this discussion we notice that female officer number one has turned away from us and is now facing a plant. Female officer number two explains that her partner is very sensative to vomit and also has the distinct honor of an over active gag reflex. Well that a whole bunch of info you do not want a bunch of smart ass firemen to have. So we start talking more about vomit: the smell, the consistancy, the recognizable food pieces, the sound it makes hitting tile etc. With no means of escape female officer number one is now gagging and dry heaving into the plant. When she turns around attempting to threaten us she is a palish green color , tears in her eyes and she is unable to speak without gagging more. We are laughing so hard half of us now have tears in our eyes. So now everytime we see female officer number one, no matter the scene, we make a few gagging noises just to watch the color drain from her face.
And yes we were still bagging our pt and administering enough narcan to save our friend from himself one more time.

Guts?

I won't go into details on this one. But a couple of weeks ago had a run that was an extreme example of the evil that exists in some people. One of those calls where the details will remain with me for a long time. A call that reminds me of other calls that were similiar in nature. It was the call that comes every now and again to make sure we have what it takes to continue this career path. Intestinal Fortitude.

In broad daylight?

So there I am sitting in the front office of our fire house. The front office is a lot like a fishbowl with 3 walls consisting of mostly tinted glass. Directly in front of the fire house standing next to the dumpster is a woman we have met in the past. We know her to be a prostitute addicted to meth. we will call her meth ho. She starts talking to a guy on a mountain bike. ( yeah I laughed about the bike too) As she is turning on the ho charm, meth ho begins pointing like a crazy person different directions. Then I realize she is pointing behind near by buildings and walls. I am thinking there is no way she is going to do this in broad daylight, is she? Along side of the fire house is a church with some side exits facing the front office. One of these exits has a 3 ft wall around the steps. And sure enough meth ho motions the bike guy over to this little alcove on the steps of the church. But bike guy doesn't know what to do now that he is there. So he is standing straight up looking around like a groundhog. (must have been his first time.) Anyway meth ho frantically motions for him to get down. Meth Ho remains on the corner for a little while looking around before scurring over to the church steps. 3-4 mins later both parties emerge from the alcove and quickly go in opposite directions. Crazy huh? Well about 20 mins later meth ho is over at the drug houses (also seen from the firehouse) spending her hard earned money. Everyone should work in the ghetto. Its just that entertaining!

Parking brake only works when you use it

The first morning of our 48hr shift is a busy one. We have a lot of paperwork, rig checks, daily routine and some maintenance issues to attend to. The other day we were in the middle of this routine when a large, older white man walks through our employee parking lot and straight into the station. He stood out on account of his skin color but also he was wearing coveralls. I was near the door so he approached me and asked if anyone owned a toyota truck. I had to think about it, but I remembered the station captain owns an older 4runner that could pass for a pick up with a shell. I advised the visitor who owned one and asked why. He replied in a tone that let me know he was less than impressed with whatever had happened: "because it just hit my truck!" I look out the back of our station and almost one block away, in the neighboring parking lot that is on the other side of a street; is the captains truck wedged in between the rear wheels of a large semi truck. Apparently our beloved station captain had forgotten to put his truck into gear or set the brake. I will skip the response that we got from him when we told him. But his truck had reversed out of our station parking lot (without hitting any of our trucks. remember this is shift change so the lot is packed.) crossed the street, made a gentle turn to access the driveway and across the parking lot that is a full city block. We thought it was hilairious. He wasn't impressed. He was even less impressed with one firefighter who chocked the 4runner once it was returned to its original starting spot.

Dont pretend to be dying to 911 when you are not

So I get a call for a 6D1 to some crappy apartment. For those of you lucky enough not to use the Clawsen system that is a shortness of breath call and the D part means its important. Well enroute dispatch tell us that the pt is advising they might pass out from fatigue and the door might be locked. My partner and I are about to arrive on scene when our "medically trained" dispatch advises that they have lost contact with the caller (pt) and can hear agonal respirations in the background.So being a fire medic unit when we arrive on scene I am able to grab a set of irons as well as our ems packs. As usual at all our crappy apartment buildings, there are a lot of people just milling around in the courtyard. These people, when asked a question usually respond with "huh?" And tonight was no exception. My partner and i ask 2 different people the location of apt 70 and we both get blank stares in response. Luckily we find apt 70 and began banging on the door. Well when you make this much noise late at night in an apartment complex where no one has jobs, all tenants come out to investigate. As my partner and I begin to force the door using the irons ( flat head axe and haligan tool) I hear several people yelling from the courtyard "Someone call the police! Those 2 guys are breaking into that apartment!" Luckily PD was soon on scene to field any citizen complaints. I guess the fire department trucks, clothes, tools etc were hard to see.
We force the door open (with some damage to door and frame). And once we locate our dying agonal patient in the back bedroom she is face down kneeling over a bucket. Before a question is asked the dying patient turns her head toward us and asks: "you guys just broke down my door didn't you?" Turns out our "patient" was detoxing from booze and was vomiting. When asked why she didn't answer the door, she replied she was too weak. But to get to the ambulance stretcher she had to walk out of her apartment, down the walkway and down a flight of stairs. At this time all the wondering tenants were close enough to offer their assistance. Some were even dropping names in an attempt to gain access to the scene. good times