Saturday afternoon at the gay bar.

So like I have mentioned, I work in the "seedy" part of town. I have been assigned to my station since August and for the first time for me, we were dispatched to the gay bar for a fainting episode. The comments from the rest of the house start before we get to the truck. So we respond and pull up in front of the bar where The Village People are flagging us down. Not the actual Village People Group, but a few bar patrons that resembled the group. One member had a very impressive mustache. They all follow us in to the bar. My crew consists of 2 men and 1 woman. The female on our crew was prepared to protect "her boys" until an aggressive appearing lesbian made eyes at her. Apparently at that point we (boys) were on our own, as she was scared for herself. As we make our way around the bar, we are attracting some attention and a bar patron tells us that the patient "is a large man". For the first time ever in my EMS career, I was hoping for an overweight patient. Anyway we find our patient lying on the floor and was not feeling very well. His head being supported by a little skinny guy that was happy to remain in place as long as he was needed. The patient was; by his estimation, approximately 500 pounds. Well, the auto BP cuff (yes we are that lazy) does not fit his bicep so it is attached to his forearm. The auto BP cuffs are notorious for being inaccurate (but yet we are still too lazy to use the manual one) The reading comes back BP 100/60. The heart rate 28. Possibly inaccurate but it was confirmed by the pulse oximeter. Ah ha!! I think I know why our patient had passed out. So, possibly due to lack of blood flow our patient will not follow commands or allow us to assist him up. He insists on doing it himself. So Mr. 500lbs with a heart rate of 28-30 struggles, grunts and sweats himself up to kneeling. With some more grunting and a lot of sweating he attempts to stand. In the middle of this impressive effort to get to the gurney, our patient's pants fall to his ankles. And of course, our patient was not wearing any underwear. A large group of bar patrons are looking on and I don't know how embarrassed our patient was, but we were a little uncomfortable. The female of our crew was frozen with her mouth hanging open. Her only statement about what she saw later was " It was just so ......... big. I have never... It was just so big" I think she will be scarred forever. Luckily the other member of our crew was kneeling down directly behind our patient (eye to eye if you will) and as much as he did not want to, he reached down and restored a little dignity to the call. Remember our little helper? He was very determined that someone take his phone number down and provide it to the patient. Apparently they had just met and things were going well before the fainting spell. So as we were trying to render care and closing ambulance doors this guy is demanding us take his phone number. The medic who actually wrote it down got some grief for taking it down. Things went pretty well after that and we delivered our very nice patient to the ER alive and well.